How Much Can You Expect From a Friend?
Les & Leslie Parrott
eHarmony.com
Your
answer to this question is a pretty good barometer of how well your
friendships will weather relational storms. Let’s face it: We don’t
ask much of casual friendships, the kind in which you invite each other
to a party once a year. But we demand more than you might guess from
friendships characterized by strong feelings and a shared history. We
expect friendships to be easier, more automatic than they actually are.
Think about your childhood
friendships; they often set the tone for all the rest. You never
"worked" on first grade friendships, they just happened. Andy, my first
"best friend," for example, lived just two houses down from me and we
literally met in the sandbox at school. The bond was almost instant. He
liked Hot Wheels and Tonka trucks. So did I. What’s to discuss? It was
the beginning of a beautiful friendship – until his family moved to
Texas the next summer.
Andy’s departure pretty much
marked the end of trouble-free friendships in my life. Just a few short
years later, sandbox bliss was replaced by the tormented, possessive
feelings of a third grade relationship where blatant betrayal reared
its head. That’s when I learned that my new best friend, Donny, was
playing at another classmate’s house after school. Sound familiar? It
happens to nearly all of us.
There may be worse betrayals
in store, but probably none is more influential than the sudden
fickleness of an elementary school friend who has dropped us for
someone more popular after all our careful, patient wooing. It
shouldn’t be that way, we think to ourselves. But alas it is. It’s the
lesson our friendships continually teach us; a lesson we don’t want to
learn: Friendships are fragile.
The seeming ease of
friendships-compared to romantic and family relationships (more likely
loaded with emotional baggage) – is part of the reason we value
friendships so much. Relatively speaking, friendships just happen. This
makes it all the harder to accept the fact that these "easy"
relationships are not a terribly resilient bond.
Most of us are surprised,
even resentful, when once effortless friendships turn rocky. During the
honeymoon period of friendship, which usually lasts anywhere from a few
months to more than a year, each friend puts his or her best foot
forward. Honeymooning friends tend to overlook irritating habits and
may not even be aware of major character flaws or value differences. So
when they emerge, we feel betrayed.
What’s worse, we like to
think of close friends as mirror images of ourselves. And if a friend
isn’t quite as perfect as we’d originally thought – and hardly anyone
is – he or she can be seen as a bad reflection on us. Getting beyond
this feeling requires an acceptance of separateness and uniqueness. It
requires an honest answer to the question: How much can you expect from
your friends? And if your answer is nothing short of perfection, you’ll
need to brace yourself for a bumpy ride. To be honest, however, even if
your expectations are lower, the road is rarely found without
unexpected potholes.
PDKT
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