Are You Really Ready for Love? Expressing Love for Your Mate
Are You Really Ready for Love? Expressing Love for Your Mate
Dr. David B. Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
Walking through the park on an early Spring day, I saw a couple eating a sack lunch and talking excitedly with one another.
They were young, and I presumed by their frequent touching, constant
eye contact and genuine interest in what the other has had to say, they
were in love.
“Ah, love is so nice,” I thought to myself. “Here is a couple who truly love one another and is able to show it.”
We are now in our fourth of a series of ten qualities needed to determine if you are really ready for love – the ability to express love, in words and action, for your mate.
At first glance, this
quality may seem far too simplistic. Who is unable to express love for
their mate? Isn’t that Requirement Number 1?
Yes. There is hardly any
relationship that will proceed past the first date unless someone
clearly expresses a desire to see that other person again. Then, after
the first couple of dates, someone must take the risk of sharing their
wish for seeing the other again – and again, and again.
Here’s where a problems
arise. There can be a distinct, and disruptive, break in the action.
You might feel loving, and genuinely care about the other person, but
if you cannot show it, in language that is meaningful to them, you are in for a rude awakening.
It is not enough to feel
loving. We must be sensitive to the others “love language.” You know
the routine. For one person, love means gassing up their car and making
sure the kids are picked up from soccer practice on time. For another
it means a surprise weekend away. The critical issue is that you become
sensitive to learning your mate’s love language. A love relationship
requires an ability to constantly set one’s agenda aside to be alert
for ways to meet your mate’s love needs.
Sadly, the old joke – with more than a hint of truth to it – goes something like this:
She: I need to know that you love me.
He: Well, if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t have married you.
She: But, that was twenty years ago.
He: If my feelings changed I would have told you.
Or, how about this version:
He: I need to know what you would like from me to show you I love you.
She: Well, if I have to tell you, it doesn’t mean anything to me. If I
have to ask you for flowers and a dinner out, I’m not going to do it.
It doesn’t mean anything to me.
Ouch!
Love requires
action – thoughtful action. It is not enough to feel it. Each of us
wants to receive love in action. So, if you are really ready for love,
you are ready for the work involved in learning your mate’s love
language – even if it changes over time. You are ready to anticipate
his or her needs.
Scott Peck, in his book,
"The Road Less Traveled," says that love means seeking the best for the
other person. Love means wanting the other’s highest good. The Apostle
Paul said love “is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps
no record of wrongs.” (I Corinthians 13: 5)
Love, real love, takes work.
It takes a tenacious attitude toward creating an atmosphere in your
relationship where love will prosper, not simply survive. It is not
enough to buy your mate a card on Valentine’s Day and a special gift
for his/her birthday. Real love takes action – seven days a week.
Let me offer you a few action steps to consider as you determine if you are really ready to fiercely pursue love.
One, say what you feel.
Learn the language of e-motions – energy in motion. Practice telling
your mate, every day, what you feel, think and want. Learn to share the
broad variety of emotions: sadness, happiness, joy, ecstasy,
disappointment, frustration. Revealing these inner tides of emotions is
a way to endear yourself to your mate.
Two, really listen to your mate.
Don’t simply listen for the obvious. Listen for what is said, and what
is not said that lingers below the surface. Help your mate give
expression to what they really want to say.
Three, ask for what you need.
Be willing to risk asking your mate for what you want. Perhaps you want
more time with them – ask for it. Perhaps you want a lovely candlelight
dinner out at your favorite French restaurant – ask for it. Perhaps you
want to attend a different church service together – ask for it.
Four, share what really makes you feel loved.
Don’t be reluctant to sit down with your mate and share, again, those
things that are very special and make you feel especially loved.
Encourage him, or her, to do the same. Make a vow to do those things
that make each other feel loved.
Finally, celebrate every day together.
Find ways to make each encounter special. Eat meals together. Pray
together. Take walks together. Do not lose sight of the fact that each
day, each moment, is a gift. It is a gift to be with one another, not
to be taken for granted.
Are you ready
to show your mate, in words and actions, that they are very special to
you? If so, you may really be ready for love.
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