Are You Really Ready for Love? The Capacity to Receive Love
Are You Really Ready for Love? The Capacity to Receive Love
Dr. David B. Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
We are well on our way to
discovering, and hopefully developing, the traits needed to really be
ready for love. How are you faring so far? Are you letting go of the
desire to influence, control, manipulate or even coerce your mate into
being that exact specimen of loveliness you had originally imagined?
Are you ready to accept and love him or her for who they are? Are you
able to express love freely in word and action? If so, you may be ready
for the next task on your way to readiness for love: the capacity to receive love.
Some of you may be surprised
at this one. How did it get on the list? Isn’t everyone ready and able
to receive love? Aren’t we all self-centered individuals constantly
seeking someone to love us? Yes, and no.
The truth of the matter is
that many have not developed the skill to openly discuss their “love
languages” – what is hoped for and expected as far as expressions of
love – and so do not know how to even really ask for love. While it may
seem simple, helping someone to know how to offer us love can be quite
complex. It requires skill and practice to inform your mate on the
specifics of how you prefer to be loved. Let me offer an example.
Stan and Mary have been
dating for nearly two years and came to see me after being referred by
their pastor. They were both in their late twenties and were ready for
a serious relationship leading to marriage.
In the past few months,
however, in discussing marriage and what that means for them, they have
discovered a communication problem regarding expressing affection. Mary
feels as though she often gives more than she receives, while Stan is
frustrated because he is unclear about what she wants and needs. This
has created tension in their relationship.
“We love each other,” Mary began. “I can’t imagine being without him. But, I’m not getting what I need lately.”
“And what is that?” I questioned.
At that point Stan jumped in.
“This is the thing that
frustrates me. Sometimes I come over in the evening and ask her what
she needs, and she just pouts. It drives me nuts.”
“I don’t know exactly what I
need. All I know is that when we met it seemed to happen naturally. I
hate even having to ask for affection.”
In talking with Stan and
Mary, they admitted to slacking off in showing each other affection and
were now unsure as to what each expected from the relationship. I
suggested we talk about not only how they show love, but their capacity
to receive love.
As we explored their love
languages, both were surprised at how little each really knew about the
other. Mary, particularly, discovered that she had difficulty in
sharing how she preferred to be loved, always assuming that expressions
of love would simply come to her automatically. She found it was hard
to ask for what she needed or desired. She shared how, because of
rejection early in her life, she had always had a tough time fully
permitting herself to be loved. If it came naturally, she could usually
accept it, but she was afraid to verbalize what she really wanted. We
explored these issues in their counseling and the impact on their
relationship.
There are two broad reasons why some people cannot easily allow themselves to ask for, or let love in: they are afraid of it, or they feel they don’t deserve it. Consider the possibility that you may fear intimacy. You may feel unsafe and so deprive yourself of the gift of closeness.
If you have a deficiency in your capacity to receive love, there are several questions you should ask yourself:
- Am I afraid to let love in? To acknowledge receiving it? Why? What is the danger?
- What happened in my childhood experiences with love that made it dangerous?
- Were my needs for love ignored? Were my efforts to get love somehow punished?
- Have later experiences with romantic love been so disappointing or
traumatic that I have shut down my receptors and responsiveness to
another person’s love? - Have I become wary and cynical about the possibility of being genuinely loved?
- Am I ashamed to show another person that I would like his or her love?
To receive love, obviously,
we must be open about our desire for love – and our love language. Do
you let your needs for love be known? When feeling hurt or rejected,
how easy is it to share your feelings? Do you respond
passive-aggressively by withdrawing, pouting, putting up a wall? Try to
catch your relationship-destroying ways of blocking the other person’s
love and to understand the reasons why you play such dirty tricks on
yourself.
The Scriptures talk about
loving your neighbor as you love yourself. But we forget this. Many of
us find it easier to love others than we do to love ourselves, or to
ask for love. Brennan Manning, in his wonderful book, "The Ragamuffin Gospel," surmised
that perhaps the scripture that talks about “in as much as you have
done it unto the least of these” could really be talking about you and
me. We are often the needy ones who block others from getting too close
to us.
Here is an exercise I would like you to try with your mate.
- Tell your mate the
qualities you would like to be lovingly recognized and appreciated
for – .i.e. preparing meals for dinners together; - State how you would like that love to be shown – i.e. words of affirmation;
- Tell them exactly what is your love language – i.e. to be hugged often in a loving way;
- Share with your mate how any childhood issues get in the way of
receiving love – i.e. you fear rejection if you ask for what you
desire; - Notice the feelings of shame or embarrassment you have in completing this exercise.
We all need love. And lots
of it. Are you ready to talk about your need for it, and even share the
specific ways you would like it? Are you actively healing from any
difficulties in childhood that may sabotage your openness to love? If
so, you may really be ready for love.
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